Jacky Yong

Today I am going to talk about a very revolting subject. So boys and girls, if you’re still having your meal, please stop reading this journal immediately and wash your eyes with lots of anti-bacterial solution.

Some may ask, what is a squatting pan? A squatting pan, my friends, is a politically correct name for a hole dug in the ground and you squat over it to release …. , well, whatever things that needs to be released from your bowels.

OK, so what in the world is wrong with a squatting pan? Nothing, if you ask me. They are a lovely invention. It works right out of the box, sort of like Macintosh computers. But there are plenty of travel site and journals from those “gwailos” that wrote dreadfully about this modest and immaculate contraption. But the fact is, the squatting position is a more natural posture while we are ….. er, you know…. defecating. When you squat, the feces travels more smoothly along our anal tract. When assuming a sitting position, our colon tends to get compressed and leads to harder defecation process. I am speaking from experience here (ahem!), but research also shows that a sitting posture leads to incomplete defecation. (That explains that “something-is-still-there” feeling in my home toilet after doing my morning ritual everyday. Hmmmm ….. )

There has to be some element of truth in it. Our ancestors dug holes in the ground and do it there before covering them up. Samples of fossilized feces has been dug up and examined. So squatting is mother nature’s proper way intended for us humans to defecate.

Although one would assume that the sitting toilet came from the western world, it actually first appear in India, from the Harappa civilization during 2500 BC. Archaeological excavation also confirmed the existence of the sitting toilet in Egypt at around 2100 BC. From then on there is no turning back. Sir John Harrington designed the original flush toilet, but it wasn’t until Alexander Cummings patented his design, the modern flush toilet became mainstream in the late 18^th century.

The way I see it, sitting toilet only facilitates the disabled and the elderly. My parents once complained of leg cramps for squatting for too long in the squatting toilet. But give me the squatting toilet anytime for doing the big business. It’s much more hygienic in my opinion, given the poor condition of public toilets here in Malaysia. No contact with the cheek of your bum is necessary, unlike sitting toilets. Back in my previous company, there is a choice of two squatting toilets and one sitting toilet in the men’s room. I also hate that wet-butt feeling whenever you dropped a BIG one on the water-filled sitting bowl. (I’m sure all of you have experienced that before too). Add that to the fact that you most probably will urinate first before or during releasing anything, so the splashed water could contain urine and bits of loose feces! EEEUUUWWW!!!

Unfortunately squatting pans are often put on the side-line in favour of the sitting types in modern housing projects in Malaysia. My house has three toilet, all of them are equipped with the sitting type.

Hmmmphhh …. seems that I will have to adapt myself to the constant splash of wetness on my anus. Looks like I will have to release my feces at the shallower end, bracing for a smaller splash. Or hope that I pee after everything is over!

And while we’re on this subject, I would like to put an argument. Why do we need to use toilet papers anyway? I don’t like the use of them, I thought they are crappy, dirty and unhygienic. I would much prefer the spray of water from a water bidet. Some cheaper brands of toilet papers tears easily. When you wipe too eagerly, you tend to push right through them and soil your fingers. YUUUCKK!! Some brands are also so rough, they qualify as sand papers! Whoops, there goes three more strands of my anal hair.

By the way, I clean up after my baby girls using just warm water and my finger. Anything else would be just too harsh on her skin. But of course, I make sure I clean my hands properly after that!